


An oasis in this wasteland

by Heartbreak_Hotel



Category: Kill Your Darlings (2013)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Cigarettes, Homosexuality, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-05-12
Packaged: 2018-03-29 22:00:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3912181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heartbreak_Hotel/pseuds/Heartbreak_Hotel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Allen Ginsberg is sent to a mental institution by his father because of his homsexual tendicies and the constant spacing out he does. Here he is welcomed by the one and only Lucien Carr, whom introduces him to Jack Kerouac and William Burroughs. David Krammerer is a male nurse that seems to be too attached to Lucien, as Allen has noticed. But Allen is here to get over this disease that is his sexuality, not fall in love with another man. However, he can't help but notice the way Lucien smiles at him, or how his eyes light up when he gets excited, or the way his cheeks get flushed when he drinks. And he thinks Lucien notices him too, or at least he hopes so.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is just the prologue that I wrote this morning, I've already started chapter one and it should be done soon.

_"And the world opened up to us, the circle grew wider in the underbelly of the grimy city of New York. No one could know for sure if it was the alcohol and the other forms of poison that infected our bloodstreams or the feeling of intoxication that came with the idea of being a writer. But we weren't just any writers we were the writers, born from the internecine of death. It seemed as if fate was what brought us all together, fate that a revolution should occur. It was thi s movement of Cabal that created a revolution. Whether it was for drugs, homsexuality, or the excessive use of vulgarity neither of us knew. But with these words we were ignorant to the harrowing Boy Blue and his downwards spiral into the dark abyss of second-degree murder, him being behind bars is what ultimately killed one of the greatest visionaries the world has never seen, leaving no broken hearts. And in this abyss, another great mind followed, the Dipsomaniac Angel who wrote words that held a certain vulgar elegance. But unlike my beloved Boy Blue he reached his potential, or at least half of it. His art held no limits but that of his own, and it's those limits that destroyed him. For his self-catastrophic actions are what in the end let him drink himself into oblivion. And though these lost souls led to their own demise in some sorts, they were- no are the grandest virtuoso's of words this life and the next have ever seen."_


	2. Brahms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucien is the first person Allen really meets upon entering the institution, as well as his soon to be first love. Lucien greets this lost puppy-like boy with a certain fondness and introduces him to his good friends, Jack and William.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first official chapter

_**"Flicking through a little book of sex tips, remember when the boys were all electric? Now, when she tells she's gonna get it. I'm guessing that she'd rather just forget it. Clinging to not getting sentimental, said, she wasn't going, but she went, still likes her gentlemen to not be gentle. Was it a Mecca dauber or a betting pencil? Oh, that boy's a slag, the best you ever had. The best you ever had is just a memory, and those dreams weren't as daft as they seem. Not as daft as they seem. My love, when you dream them up. Oh, where did you go? Where did you go?"** _

**Summer, 1944**

The feeling that the world was spinning into a dark abyss was nothing new for him, he had a nagging feeling that his mother knew the abyss better than him. It made sense that his father would send him away just like he did with his mother. Which is why he was currently being led down the hallway by a nurse. He took him into a room and shoved a thin cotton hospital gown into his arms. The nurse told him to strip down to his underwear and put the gown on, he hastily obliged.

The nurse then led him out of the room and into a door that locked behind them, the entrance to the psych ward. "Your room is the fourth door on the right, be in it after dinner." The male nurse, David he thought his name was, said. He watched the nurse walk away before he began walking down the hallway.

That's when he hears it, the melancholy music that led him to his greatest love and deepest heartache. He absently walked into the room. "Brahms?" He asked the patient- no the _person_ and was met with the most incredibly sad blue eyes.

"Finally," the blonde boy spoke. "An oasis in this wasteland." Allen can't help but flicker his graze from this new boy's eyes to his lips and then back up to his eyes.

Allen suddenly aware that the boy was staring at him back shifted awkwardly. "Allen-" he said quietly. "Ginsberg." He finished.

"Allen in wonderland." He said with a far off tone. This caused Allen to give a shy smile and hide his face in his shoulder."I'm Lucien, Lucien Carr." He replied with a wide smile.

Allen lifted his head and was met with that smile. He had never seen anyone so beautiful, which was strange for him to think about another male. But that was part of why he was here, wasn't it? He was _attracted_ to men- no he was attracted to _Lucien_. "Come with me." Lucien said, breaking him from his thoughts. He felt a hand wrap around his wrist and he found himself following after the blonde. In that moment he found he'd follow Lucien to the ends of the Earth's if he asked him to.

Lucien led him down the hall, into another double-doored room. "This is The Social." He explained. Allen looked around and saw a worn couch which sat two men, some small tables with two chairs each and chess boards atop. There was a record player beside the couch that filled the room with music, _You Always Hurt The One You Love_ by the Mills Brothers played. If only Allen understood the significance of the song, but at the time the meaning was lost to the chaste boy. "That's Willy." Lucien said jutting his chin in the direction of a man with dark hair that was slicked back. "And that's Jack Kerouac." He motioned to the man sitting beside 'Willy' on the couch. "And this, boys, is Ginsy." He said staring at Allen fondly.

"Allen Ginsberg." He corrected Lucien. Since when did he get a nickname? Allen ran a hand through his dark curls and watched as Lucien batted his lashes at him. As if this alone would make Allen cave into Lucien and allow him to use the nickname. It was.

"So, Ginsberg, how you doing?" Jack asked him politely. He was grateful for said actions.

Allen shrugged anyway. "I'm okay, been better I guess." He answered with a meek voice. He felt intimidated by the sudden company. He was reminded where he was by the hospital gowns his new acquaintances were sporting.

"Yeah? Well what're you in for?" Jack implored, his voice casual. Allen watched Lucien perk up at the question. He saw the blonde try and hide his anticipation by lighting a cigarette and taking a drag.

Though Allen didn't seem thrilled by it at all. He looked down and worried his lip between his teeth. "Uhm...do I have to answer that?" He finally said after gathering the courage to answer.

Lucien looked displeased by this answer. Lucien leaned in close to him, taking a long drag of his cigarette. Allen's gaze flickered from his eyes to his lips and then back up. "First thought best thought." He said, punctuating each word with a purse of his lips.

Allen paused, trying to focus on his thoughts rather than his new friends pink lips. "My dad sent me here because of...my rather peculiar behavior." He replied, slowly and carefully.

"Peculiar behavior? Now now being vague is the same as being a tease, you like being a tease?" Lucien asked moving in closer to Allen, causing him to have a pink tint to his cheeks. And Allen wanted to give in to this boy, to tell him anything he wanted to know, do anything for him-anything to get the blue eyed boy to kiss him, to notice him. But when he looked at Lucien he didn't think that would be the case. Oh no Lucien was a playful boy and Allen had the aching feeling that to be on his radar one had to play along.

And so Allen leaned in a little bit closer and plucked the cigarette from Lucien's mouth and put it in his own, taking a drag before blowing the smoke in his face. Oddly enough this made the blonde smile grandly. "What're you in for, eh, Lu?" Allen found himself asking his companion with a cocky smirk. His demeanor changed almost instantly from shy to coy and he found himself taking a liking to it.

Lucien's world seemed to brighten at this response, he playfully took his cigarette back looking down and thinking the question over for a few seconds. "Because, Allen-" He paused to look up at him. "I'm mad." He finished with a smirk. Lucien turned from him and made his way to the record player, Allen immediately felt his loss. But Lucien just swayed his right hand up and down in a wave motion keeping up with the desolate beat. He used his other hand to hold his cigarette between his fingers.

* * *

 

That night as Allen laid in his rather uncomfortable bed, covered by a thin sheet, he thought of Lucien. He thought of Lucien's vibrant blue eyes that are decorated with lashes that looked like they belonged to a woman, his plush pink lips, his blonde hair that was tamed in a messy way, the long boney fingers that seemed to always hold a cigarette, the way he reminded him of jazz and the raspiness that came with blues.

He pulled the covers over his head and turned on his side. He closed his eyes to welcome sleep, and with that he had calming dreams of the blonde boy he had just met.


End file.
